The house is quiet and sunny this morning. The girls are still asleep. Last night was....interesting. "Interesting" is my favorite euphemism. I have come to the conclusion that my Grandma Fanny, who used to tell me you're mind always feels the same as when you were a young girl, it's your body that changes, might have been wrong. But I doubt Grandma Fanny ever went to a male strip club, or even knew such a thing existed. I would have loved for her to be there last night to ask her how young her mind felt while young men danced around just in a g-string with a flap protecting their package. I would have loved to see her reaction when one of those young men asked if she would like a lap dance. My reaction was a flat out "No thank you." But in my 54 year old mind, I was thinking- My g-d, I could have been this guy's first grade teacher 15 years ago.
We had seats right on the stage. Lindsay was the first bride bachelorette to get a personal show and lap dance. Then I realized my friends' point about how I should not be there. However, according to my two daughters' rendition, they were glad to have Phyllis and me there. We served as the duennas or chaperones. It turns out that this place, in the heart of Chelsea, was way over the top in strip clubs and all the girls were quite appalled at the young mens' behavior. At one point, one of the strippers picked Lindsay's friend, Tana, up and hung her upside down. Then when another one was trying to lift Kimberly in the air, Lindsay pointed a cautioning finger in my direction, saying that's our mother over there. And apparently, my 5 foot stature was menacing enough to ward him off.
It turned out, that the girls, who have been to other strip clubs, felt that this place was on the verge of pornographic and that the strippers acted inappropriately. Isn't it a bit superfluous to be inappropriate when you're stripping in the first place? Perhaps these men never saw the movie or broadway show, Gypsy, about the famous stripper, Gypsy Rose Lee, who invented the classy strip tease. On a side note- Lindsay, actually dated a male stripper. (only once, thankfully). It was in her wilder years. But she learned her lesson and then wrote a little essay about her experience, entitled "Ten Things You Shouldn't Do on a Date With Me". My response was, "This is what you get when you date a stripper, dear."
At one point, one of the young men lifted Katrina, Lindsay and Scott's tenant and new friend, and carried her away behind the stage, ignoring her protests and promising to give her a free show. Phyllis, also of 5 foot stature, earned my full respect and admiration when she ran back to rescue Katrina. (I just stood there, paralyzed.) Then Phyllis promptly reported the incident to the guy in charge, who said that it was that stripper's first night there and last. (Lesson learned- "Never underestimate the power of a short woman.") Finally, the show was over and we were rushed out. So we left, taking with us, the huge box with a cake inside in the shape of a penis, inscribed with the phrase A Taste of Things to Come, pun intented. That was part of the package (no pun, intended)- but we were never given utensils or time to eat it during the very bad show.
And so we walked the streets of Chelsea, with the box containing the penis cake, occasionally eating pieces of it with our bare hands. Lindsay did "Part 3 of Bachelorette Night"- the Scavenger Hunt activities, like- kissing a bald man's head (who happened to be a cop), practicing walking down the aisle with another guy (who happened to be gay) and getting a piggy-back ride from a total stranger (who happened to be harmless, thank goodness). I don't remember doing these silly things when I had my bachelorette party. I went to the Crazy Country Club in Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn, where they did a raunchy comedy routine and they just told dumb jokes at the bride-to-be's expense.
And so here you have it. The mother of the bride attends the bachelorette party. I had fun. And I served a purpose. So there. And I got to be with my daughter's friends, whom I adore- Lisa, Julia, Erica, Jaimie, Tana, Gabby and Tamar. And I got to meet Katrina, although, I was not the one to save her. But most importantly, I saw a side of Phyllis, my daughter's future mother in law- the tough side, the "I got your back" side and that really impressed me.
Although, I was informed that there will be another bachelorette party in the Hamptons, to which I am not invited. There are things that they don't want me to see at that one. I can only imagine. But on the other hand, I don't even want to imagine. I'm done. Grandma Fanny- this 54 year old woman, mind and all, is done.
2 comments:
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